This is a very different post and it is the outcome of a 5hour long Skype chat with a dear friend. Relationships are a big part of our lives whether we are single, seeing someone, engaged, married or divorced. Even though we chatted for several things of course we did spend a lot of time discussing relationships and relationship news of friends. There was lots of laughter in the conversation as we both shared funny experiences and incidents of our dating lives. I think we were mostly laughing with ourselves and the mistakes we have made along the way. We agreed that we have so many funny stories we could definitely write a book and we even agreed on a title: 'WhatEveR'. Apart from the joking part there was lots of discussion on the challenges of modern dating.
I know for sure that I am not what people call a 'hopeless romantic' as I always analyse everything, even emotions, very rationally. That doesn't mean I don't believe in love or romance. To give an example through a film I am more of a Sense and Sensibility person where the 'irrationality' of romantic emotions and feelings challenges and breaks the strongest of characters when they find their 'perfect match'. It's more of a passionate feeling that helps you grow by connecting you to a person who can add and balance who you already are.
Despite my rational approach to relationships and romance my friends have always confided in me and found me a useful source when they were in need of help in their relationships. When I get approached and they know what they will share is very irrational they just say to me: I know that what I am doing is irrational and there won't be a happy ending to it but I just want to epxerience and live it. My response is that since you have full knowledge then that's what matters. Many friends call me the relationathips expert or a 'cosmpolitan sage' which I have to admit irritates me. I just believe that my love for psychology and fascination for human nature has paid out. I love studying people which sometimes distances me from the people around me.
Going back to the Skype chat with my friend the questions and concerns that we both raised have been the centre in conversations with lots of my single, in a relationship, engaged, married and divorced friends. I love discussing relationships and understanding the different stages through which love and romance evolve or die. I try to have the same conversations with both genders to get the two sides of the same coin. What I have noticed is that irrespectively of the relationship status most of the stress in modern relationships and dating originates from the changing social role of the two genders.
For example when it comes to modern dating:
* both women and men are struggling in communicating their expectations from the other person due to the very casual uncommitted modern approach to relationships
* women have become financially and ssocially independent so the definitions of sharing, providing, caring and generally sharing responsibilities have to be individually defined. Motivation to stick with each other and work through hard times is not as string anymore.
* women feel that men have gone softer over the years and lost their boldness. Despite gender equality and feminism women still expect from the man to take the lead whilst respecting their equality and freedom.
* men have taken a step back as they don't know how to handle the modern woman. From my conversations it is harder for men that want a relationship to find one as they believe that less women are willing to offer that.
* women are used to being independent so learning to depend on a man can be a struggle. Men on the other hand do not want to feel dis-empowered in a relationship as it is in their nature to care and 'protect' their woman.
* men on average have become more emotionally needy maybe as a response to the more independent role of women. Emotional comfort could potentially give them a sense of a security. Many women find that unattractive or weak as women prefer their men strong so that they can depend on them.
* the average age to get into a meaningful and long term relationship or get married has risen so relationships starting in the early 20s are less likely to last for long.
* both women and men are struggling in communicating their expectations from the other person due to the very casual uncommitted modern approach to relationships
* women have become financially and ssocially independent so the definitions of sharing, providing, caring and generally sharing responsibilities have to be individually defined. Motivation to stick with each other and work through hard times is not as string anymore.
* women feel that men have gone softer over the years and lost their boldness. Despite gender equality and feminism women still expect from the man to take the lead whilst respecting their equality and freedom.
* men have taken a step back as they don't know how to handle the modern woman. From my conversations it is harder for men that want a relationship to find one as they believe that less women are willing to offer that.
* women are used to being independent so learning to depend on a man can be a struggle. Men on the other hand do not want to feel dis-empowered in a relationship as it is in their nature to care and 'protect' their woman.
* men on average have become more emotionally needy maybe as a response to the more independent role of women. Emotional comfort could potentially give them a sense of a security. Many women find that unattractive or weak as women prefer their men strong so that they can depend on them.
* the average age to get into a meaningful and long term relationship or get married has risen so relationships starting in the early 20s are less likely to last for long.
* there is so much cchoice in relationship labels and personal interpretations you have to explicitly discuss exactly where you stand so there is mutual uunderstanding of the eexpectations.
I decided to google modern dating challenges and I found that almost all bloggers express similar worries.
Some examples:
Christopher Hudspeth, The Modern Dating Struggle
'There's a rise in the fear of commitment, leading to a lack of labelling. It's simpler for some to see movies, eat dinner and talk to a person whenever there's time, than to define themselves and have a relationship classification to live up to'.
Brendan Barstow, Death of Effort in Modern Dating
'Men and women have worked together to lower the bar for effort - men have an oft-forgotten power of refusal as well an ability to influence the individual and collective relationship culture. If we wanted chivalry back, we could avoid relationships with women who aren't interested in it, trading ease of access for deeper satisfaction and reversing the female competition culture.'
'Is courtship the easy road? Nope. Is it as sexy and instantly gratifying? Can't say that it is. Courtship is a much more difficult task to undertake, simply because one has to take time to figure out what it is they want, and respect themselves enough to screen hard and only accept the best. It does away with the concept of "settling", which people do too much of in their life anyways. It forces people to think of ways to enhance and enrich people's lives, instead of simply taking what they want from the other person. Does it lead to a richer, more fulfilled life in the end for both people? You bet.'
Dr Joanne Wendt Modern Dating: A 13-Step Process
'Perhaps it's a fine line, but it's not desperate to want to communicate. And there's a big difference between expressing curiosity and being controlling. It's all in how you as the question:
Are we in a committed relationship? vs I want a committed relationship.
Are you seeing other people? vs. I don't want you to see other people.
And if questions like these frighten off the other person, it means that's not where their head is at and it wasn't going to go in that direction anyway. So you have a lot of wasted time and emotional investment and unnecessary suffering and emotional pain.'
These problems that we face are linked to both practical and anthropological changes. Practically for example women spend more time in education and by the time they build their career family and a relationship can only be a conscious primary goal after a certain age.
My grandmother told me once: 'You modern women have ruined everything my generation fought for. You have gained so much freedom since we were your age but you are disrespecting that freedom. You have ended up abusing your female nature and your bodies. And that is reflected in your failed relationships, marriages and parenting skills. The freedom should be a celebration of womanhood and not its diminish'.
I think the biggest mistake we have made is that in order to reach that equality we have neglected the biological differences and needs of the two genders. Paternal instincts for example cannot be the same as maternal instincts as even biologically women play a more active part in the birth and nourishment of children. We have forgotten that these roles are meant to be different but both are as important and equal. Our bodies and brains are supposed to work differently. Our role is to educate ourselves on those differences and learn how to take advantage of them by working together. Instead of breaking boundaries and striving for a better understanding of the usefulness of those differences we have ended up fighting for their equalisation. We have ended up fighting against our own nature.
Where do we go from here? I believe that both genders 'suffer' from the same problems in different ways so finding people from the opposite sex with the same mindset is doable. The secret? When we meet the person we have to open up, communicate and take more emotional risks. It is also important to keep in mind that since in the modern world we are emotionally inexperienced to reach a state where we feel safe in our communication will by default take time and conscious efforts.
It is a huge challenge and this was what I told my friend that after so many years of living on my own I have to consciously decide not to just let someone in but to also allow them to walk by my side. My defense mechamisms are set in an auto pilot mode so if I continue living in that default I will keep blocking everyone out. Geez I wish there were lessons so I get to consciously educate myself on that!
